Gen X will never recover from this shocking news

Longtime readers of my work (such as it is) will know that I spent much of my childhood in front of a television. Neither of my parents could tolerate silence, so, unless we were all asleep at the same time (a rarity for reasons I shan't bore you with here), the television was always on. Though we were often flat broke, we were also early adopters of cable. I had "appointment television" before I was even 10 years old, which consisted of Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, and Mork & Mindy on Tuesday nights, and The Love Boat and Fantasy Island on Saturday nights. My entire family, grandparents included, were TV fanatics, who read TV Guide cover to cover like it was Newsweek.

As I've often mentioned, there were no restrictions on what I was allowed to watch, save for The Day After, because my father thought it would make me anxious (joke was on him, I was already anxious). Cable, even in its nascent period, introduced me to a whole new world of Shit I Shouldn't Have Been Watching then, which, on the upside, shaped me into a horror fanatic, but, on the downside, probably traumatized me in ways I'll likely never get around to addressing, and that's not even getting into entering adolescence with easy access to both Cinemax's late night offerings, and the Playboy Channel.

ANYWAY, this is a typically long-winded introduction to my latest YouTube discovery, The HBO 80s Database. It accompanies a remarkable little website that lets you look up what aired on HBO on any date in the 80s, if you need a quick, dirty shot of nostalgia. Clicking on March 23rd, 1989, for instance, reveals that the schedule included airings of a made-for-TV adaptation of Great Expectations from 1983, Innerspace, an episode of the short-lived Encyclopedia Brown TV series, an inevitably depressing episode of America Undercover (because every episode of America Undercover was depressing), part 2 of The Far Pavilions, an HBO original that regrettably featured Amy Irving in brownface, and two showings of The In Crowd, a movie I know I saw in the theater, but couldn't tell you anything about, except that it was period piece about a teen dance show that wasn't Hairspray.

A must-watch video on the database's YouTube page counts down the 51 most frequently aired movies on HBO during the 80s. Now, I know you're going to click that link with 100% confidence about what the #1 movie will be, because I did. You might even be a little smug about it, as anyone would be knowing that HBO in the 80s stood for "Hey, Beastmaster's on."

Not only was I willing to bet folding American money (now mostly worthless) that The Beastmaster would be at the top of the list, I also expected to see Red Dawn, the Porky's trilogy, the tonally bizarre child kidnapping comedy/family drama Savannah Smiles, the unspeakable travesty known as The Toy, and at least one Cannonball Run. Whether by choice or because they just happened to be on when I was watching TV (which, let me reiterate, was all the time), I convinced myself that I watched all of those movies, collectively, approximately 85 times over a decade. I didn't even like a lot of them (even as a child I knew there was something grossly offensive about a rich white man buying a Black man as a playmate for his shitty kid), but, again, they always seemed to be on, and what else was I going to do, go outside??

Well, I was right about Cannonball Run. Other than that, none of the movies mentioned above made the cut. No, not even The Beastmaster, and no, I'm not joking. The list reflects what HBO was in the 80s, a weird mishmash where the goal was mostly to fill all the spaces on a 24-hour schedule. Yes, they aired such inarguable masterpieces as The Godfather and The Right Stuff, but also the professional wrestling comedy Body Slam and whatever the fuck The Further Adventures of Tennessee Buck was. There aren't just a few movies I've never seen on the list, but some I never even heard of, and, unlike The Beastmaster, don't prominently feature trained ferrets. Nevertheless, with no reason not to, I trust The HBO 80s Database, so without further ado, I present their list with my commentary:

51 to 40

Yes, Giorgio (1982): Coming in hot right from the beginning with a movie I've never seen, despite my utter conviction that I watched every movie ever made between 1980 and 1989 at least once. I do remember seeing it pop up a lot on HBO's schedule, and as the sole attempt at making Luciano Pavarotti into a movie star. It is apparently terrible.

Under the Rainbow (1981): A movie I have seen, and is unequivocally terrible. We keep talking about how you couldn't make Blazing Saddles today because of woke, yet continue to overlook Under the Rainbow, an old-fashioned screwball comedy with a plot that can be summed up with "Little people can be drunks and perverts too." I don't know whether anyone ever questioned that, but director Steve Rash (working from a script written by five people) thought it was important to clarify, and Chevy Chase and Carrie Fisher engage in a contest over who looks more embarrassed to be there.

The Man From Snowy River (1982): Australian Western starring non-Australian Kirk Douglas in dual roles. Like Yes, Giorgio, this played a lot when I was a kid, yet I never got around to watching it. Perhaps I should one of these days, because, unlike Yes, Giorgio, it's supposedly pretty good.

The Competition (1980): We enter into a brief run of prestige films on the list with this comedy-drama starring Richard Dreyfuss playing what by this point was a "Richard Dreyfuss type," meaning a neurotic, abrasive jerk who still somehow manages to pull a hot artsy chick, in this case a luminous Amy Irving. Still, not a bad flick, though I watched it years after my slavish devotion to everything HBO ended.

Tender Mercies (1982): A genuine masterpiece starring a never-better Robert Duvall (R.I.P.) that, again, I didn't watch until I was an adult and old enough to appreciate such things.

Superman (1978): On the very day I started this piece, Valerie Perrine, Miss Tessmacher herself, died, the last of the major characters in Superman, and now I'm sad. Let's move on.

Star Wars (1977): Shame this never went anywhere.

On Golden Pond (1981): Yes, I know this is a highly acclaimed Academy Award winner that a putative movie lover such as myself should have watched by now. But as a child, after hearing Henry Fonda utter the line "Wanna dance, or would you rather just suck face?" I vowed never to watch On Golden Pond, and you know what? I never have.

Looker (1981): Now here's some premium garbaggio. As far as Michael Crichton-penned scripts go, Looker doesn't quite match the ridiculousness of Congo, but it's still almost as entertaining. While the plot is eerily prescient in addressing CGI, deepfakes, and unreasonable beauty standards, it's also very stupid, and not helped by hero Albert Finney stumbling around like he woke up on set three minutes before being shoved in front of the camera.

Gloria (1980): Now, swap out Albert Finney for Gena Rowlands, and you have a real fuckin' movie. Specifically, Gena Rowlands as the titular character in John Cassavetes' Gloria, where even if she likes you, she might still rip your balls off and feed them to you. An inspiration for Leon: The Professional, it's essentially the same plot, but with the genders swapped and without the weird sexual undertones between the hero and the newly orphaned child they're forced to look after. In one memorable scene, Gloria shoots at a car so many times that it flips over, then just casually hails a taxi like nothing happened.

Foolin' Around (1980): Gary Busey in a rare romantic comedy turn, and once you see Foolin' Around, you'll understand why it was rare, as Busey has all the romantic charm of a pile of frozen sandwich steaks (not even Steak'ums, the cheap ones you get at Wal-Mart). Notable for an early William H. Macy performance, but if it's that important to you, you can just watch this 1975 commercial and then go on with your day without ever having to subject yourself to Gary Busey in a romantic comedy.

Dirty Tricks (1981): A comedy-mystery starring Elliot Gould and Rich Little, and don't get me started on my lifelong aversion to Rich Little. I've never seen it, but critics described Dirty Tricks as "shoddy beyond belief," "bottom of the barrel," "crass," "sexist," and "abysmal." Clearly an underrated classic I must watch immediately!!!!

39 to 30

Brainstorm (1983): After Natalie Wood's sudden (and to this day extremely suspicious) death during the production, MGM tried so hard to bury this film that it's a wonder anybody saw it even once, let alone multiple times on HBO. But I did, a couple of times, and was both fascinated and horrified with the concept of being able to relive other people's experiences and emotions as if they were happening to you, an idea Kathryn Bigelow explored in 1995's Strange Days (albeit in a grimy, edgier style). Given the rise of AI and virtual reality, however, the lesson from both those movies (that that kind of technology leads to nothing good) appears to have been ignored by those who have the money and desire to make such a thing.

Threshold (1981): Another one that I recall seeing on the schedule often, but never watched. It's a Canadian medical drama about artificial heart transplants starring Jeff Goldblum, so clearly I should have by now.

Second Thoughts (1983): When I first watched this video, I thought the creators threw in a movie that doesn't actually exist, just to make sure the audience is paying attention. Unlike Yes, Giorgio, Threshold, etc., not only have I never seen Second Thoughts, I have no recollection of seeing an ad or mention of it, even though it aired 9 times in February of 1985 alone. The trailer reveals little except that it appears to be a comedy starring Craig Wasson, best known for playing the biggest idiot who ever got pulled into a murder plot in Brian De Palma's sleazeterpiece Body Double. The one (1) write-up I could find of it recounts a plot so horrifying that my mouth slowly fell open as I read it.

Raggedy Man (1981): A true underseen gem starring Sissy Spacek as a World War II single mom who finds herself the focus of gossip and unwanted attention in her crappy little Texas town, while also falling in love with Navy sailor Eric Roberts, so beautiful here that it's almost hard to look at him.

Lone Wolf McQuade (1983): One of the last movies the very recently deceased Chuck Norris made before he went full xenophobe, but it still blows.

King of the Mountain (1981): Like Second Thoughts, I have no recollection of this movie's existence, but I at least accept that it exists. About auto racing, if you're into that kind of thing.

The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia (1981): Supposedly inspired by the song of the same name, but so far removed from the source material that a new version was recorded with entirely different lyrics, and that's about the most interesting thing that can be said about this movie. Oh wait, Mark Hamill's in it, so there that's, I guess.

The Jazz Singer (1980): Bad movie scholars will recognize Neil Diamond's remake of the Al Jolson classic from the advanced studies curriculum. Like Yes, Giorgio (which I've now mentioned more times just in this newsletter than anyone else has in the past 40 years), it was a wildly misguided attempt at turning a popular singer into a movie star, but far worse because it was intended to be a serious drama about generation gaps and following your dreams. Incredibly, the worst performance doesn't come from non-actor Diamond (although he's still terrible), but from actual professional actor Laurence Olivier, who puts on an "oy vey!" old Jewish man accent that borders on a hate crime.

The Great Muppet Caper (1981): You know damn well I don't have to sell you on this movie, so I'll just share an all-timer of a screencap from it.

The Four Seasons (1981): Some of the most likable actors of the 70s (Alan Alda, Carol Burnett, Rita Moreno) get together to play some of the most unlikable characters you've ever encountered in this ensemble comedy about a bunch of wealthy white people constantly complaining about how discontent they are and taking it out on each other. Time being a flat circle, Netflix premiered a series remake of it just last year, because empires will collapse and the seas may boil, but we'll never let go of our fascination with wealthy white people.

I'm on day 2 of working on this piece, and it occurred to me that if I write something about all 51 movies mentioned in one newsletter, it might legally qualify as a longform article, and I wouldn't want you to get bored and miss out on this creative gold. So look out for movies 29 to 1 (which again, none of which are The Beastmaster) coming next week!