Guest post: No, really, I enjoy things, by Elon Musk

(Disclaimer: to avoid any entanglements with the notoriously litigious [and thin-skinned] trillionaire Elon Musk, let me clarify that this is all made up, and Mr. Musk did, not, in fact, offer to submit a guest post to my newsletter)

So, Joyce Carol Otis or whoever posted on X that she doesn't think I enjoy things, or have any appreciation for the simple pleasures in life. Me, Elon Musk, supergenius and the wealthiest man in the world!

Who even is Joyce Carol Oates anyway? I asked Grok, and it said she wrote some books. Like, okay, who cares? I could do that if I wanted to. In fact, I've created a program that's compiling all of my X posts into a book called The Based of Elon Musk. Get it, "based" instead of "best"? I'd like to see Joan Carol Oats come up with a zinger like that.

How dare she say there's no beauty and meaning in my life? Why, just this past weekend, my sons Flxylnorph-XV6 and the other one were at my office for our contractually obligated monthly visit. The boys asked if we could go to the park, so I asked one of my techs to generate a lifelike park environment right there in our boardroom. We spent ten whole minutes in there, until I had to step away to respond to an X post from catturd2 letting him know that I was looking into why he mysteriously lost three followers overnight. Still, it was a beautiful moment that I'll treasure always. When's the last time Joyce Karen Ott was able to multitask like that, I ask you!

Being a trillionaire supergenius means making hard choices. Who has time for reading books or watching sports when you're out there saving the world? Do you want to "send condolences" or whatever namby-pamby beta soy cuck nonsense Joanne is spouting, or build a tunnel that only works for one kind of car? Why bother petting dogs when you could be perfecting technology for brain implants that make dogs talk? Wouldn't it be cool to come home and your dog says "Hello" instead of "woof," or whatever dogs say? I don't know, I've never had one.

Even though I'm constantly coming up with ideas that someone with the puny brain of Jean Carla Oatley couldn't comprehend, I'm taking time to appreciate the little things. Like that tilted laugh-crying emoji. Lying to teenagers about how high I score on video games. Adjusting my AI companion's face so that she somehow looks like a combination of Sydney Sweeney and a Korean teenager. Tenting my fingers. The meaty thud as a self-driving car backs over a homeless person. The tingling in my fingertips during my weekly virgin blood infusions. Do you think Jane Cathy Owens knows that kind of pleasure? No way, only supergenius entrepreneurs get to experience that.

Come on, I appreciate art and music, how could anyone think I don't? Mozart, The Art of War, all that stuff, it's great. I just watched The Godfather for the fourth time last week, and was inspired anew by Michael Corleone's dedication to both work and family, without having to sacrifice anything for it. We could learn a little something from that kind of work ethic (not me, I know everything).

Above all else, I'm a generous and charitable man. And because of that, I've been working on a new app called Xistence (cool, right?), one-stop shopping not just for social media, banking, and healthcare, but for life itself. Together, we'll all experience an incredible simulation of actual real-life moments, whether it's visiting the Great Wall of China, relaxing on a tropical island, or someone looking at you with an expression of genuine love in their eyes. With Xistence Premium, you'll get all that in super-realistic HDX-12, which hasn't even been invented yet. But I will, as my gift to the people, and we can all enjoy it as one.

Except you, Hall and Oates, lol get rekt hoe 🤣🤣🤣🤣